ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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