I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
