oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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