I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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