I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
