so that wasnt chicken after all
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
