I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
