The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
