We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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