They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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