Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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