Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
cat food counts as protein by the way
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
