That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
