people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
