Someone shit on the floor
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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