He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
