so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
