20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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