Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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