I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
