thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize