I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
