good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
