oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
