He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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