You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
