OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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