Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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