good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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