If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
