Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
