I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
