Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
