i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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