Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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