Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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