you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
