it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
