checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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