apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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