wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
