You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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