The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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