I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
