I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
