Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
