im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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