How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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