Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
