Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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