sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
