The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize