This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
