Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize