Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
