my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
