I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
