She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
