I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
