I accidentally burped into my bong.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
