Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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