If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize